Oh brother…Kim sent me YET another dating advice site (she does this to get me pissed off) and I am thinking….I’m gonna HURL big time now. As always, I have to ASK, do people (OK men) really need to be told these things?????

RALEIGH, N.C. — Put another log on the fire. Crack open that vintage bottle of wine. Slip on the black negligee. And bring out the blender and the All-Clad?

As America’s obsession with food continues to sizzle, the kitchen may someday replace the bedroom as the best place for seduction. Three new cookbooks suggest a little chopping, mixing and stirring in front of the stove might be the way to spice up your love life.

Obession with food?? If you’re obsessed with that than you have no life. Go get some friends and hobbies.

Much has already been written about the libido-boosting power of oysters, chocolate and champagne. But seduction a la the kitchen also comes in more subtle forms. Roasting asparagus drizzled with a zesty lemon sauce. Rolling red grapes in sugar, walnuts and lemon zest and freezing them. Or baking a soul-comforting macaroni and cheese.

Come on. Just eat the things you like and stop making sexual associations with food. How dumb and boring. Anyone who has to resort to using food to seduce someone is a freakin loser and doesn’t deserve a good time.

Soybeans may not sound like the best way to get the ball rolling in the direction of the boudoir, but apparently they’re packed with plenty of the stuff you need for your best performance: phosphorus, iron and protein. These little guys, still in their shells, are “potent in their capacity to strengthen the body and enhance the sexual appetite,” Brown writes.

So boil them up. Grind black pepper over them and add some kosher salt. Brown suggests serving them up while they’re still hot with a little cold sake and see what happens.

People are stupid. Eating a meal of whatever has no effect on sexual appetites for DAYS. The body doesn’t magically use food just consumed for this stuff. Gawd people, go take an A & P class. Smarten up. And soybeans SUCK.

Authors Ann Marie Michaels and Drew Campbell say it best: Cooking for a girl is the fastest way to send the message “I am very interested in having you spend the night.”

“Cooking to Hook-Up” is as much a practical dating handbook for men as a cookbook. Among the pages of advice men should know before having a date over to their house: Get rid of weird smells in the house. Clean the toilet bowl before your date arrives. And remove all evidence of ex-girlfriend(s).

Do men really need this advice? I’m never dating. Nada nada.

That’s the easy part. The entire process takes careful consideration. For example, for the food seduction to work, the man must first figure out what kind of girl he’s planning to seduce — and then create a menu sure to woo based on her interests and personality.

Is she a marathoner? Then serve some fruit slices and lean chicken in an orange sauce. Is she a gourmet? Caviar, coq au vin and Dom Perignon. A die-hard party girl? Margaritas, Jell-O shots and Long Island iced tea — and maybe some cheese fondue to wash it all down with.

Why go through all this? If you’re looking for a good time, without strings, just SAY SO. There are some women who would go for this. I think I would become bored, very quickly with this shit-this Don Juan (he who thinks so anyway) – pretending-he-can-cook bullshit. Get a life.

The recipes are relatively simple — perfect for the guy who’s more interested in scoring with dates than with the judges’ panel of “Iron Chef.” Each chapter comes with a list of what’s needed from the grocery and liquor stores and what should already be a staple in the house. And then it maps how the evening should progress — from when the wine should be chilled to when and how to serve dessert.

It even offers up witty banter — in case his fails — and pop culture references for each type of girl. Sadly, it also tells guys what books and magazines they should have on the coffee table and what music to play to impress said girl. (Hint: Uptown girls like Elvis Costello and Vanity Fair; All-American girls like Top 40 and People; Progressive girls listen to Tori Amos and read Harper’s.)

Men need advice on what to talk about? (rolling my eyes).
I wonder how popular these books are. I wonder the mindset of anyone who buys a book like this. I get myself all pissed off whenever I see these GAWD awful, really stupid, really boring and really idiOtic articles and web sites about this stuff. Dating advice. Go to hell, anyone who needs that. Just be yourself and speak to what you want.
Be real.