When I read this article, I thought about some of modern TV programs we’ve seen; you know- the rich spoiled kids whose parents buy them anything they want? The kids who get $16,000 birthday parties. But then I thought about my own experiences as a parent, and some of my friends kids.
Hmm maybe this isn’t just about the rich and famous.

In her new book, “The Price of Privilege” (Harper Collins, $24.95), Levine says that over-involved parents who pressure their children to be stars — in school, on athletic fields, among their peers — have created a generation that is “extremely unhappy, disconnected and passive.” Unabashedly materialistic and disinterested in the wider world, they are both bored and “often boring,” she writes. A large number suffer from depression, anxiety and substance abuse.

Parents don’t need to become so entwined with their kids’ everyday issues. One of the most important responsibilities of parents is to help their children grow up to be independent, self sufficient people. How can they become this when their parents DO everything for them? When the parents have raised them to think the world owes them everything on a golden platter?

What is the “culture of affluence,” and why is it damaging to kids?

I think there’s been a real ratcheting up of materialism, as opposed to an emphasis on making connections with people. Competition counts more than cooperation. If you can’t trust your neighbor, or your best friend sitting next to you while you take the SATs because she might score 10 points higher than you and knock you out of your chance of going to the school you want, that makes people feel they have nowhere to turn except to themselves.

I agree. Materialistic needs should NEVER outweigh emotional needs but they do with today’s kids. One can only make so many friends by showing off their toys. One can make many friends though if they are confident and content with who they are. Being competive is not a bad thing- but it’s overated. Most competitive people I know are lonely and boring.

There really is some transformative idea about the role of children’s accomplishments. And I lay part of the blame for that at the feet of my own profession, which came up with the ridiculous notion that a kid’s self-esteem was so fragile and so vulnerable that all efforts needed to be made to increase it.

I’ll give you an example: Where I live they have something called the “good-enough catch.” If a little kid is playing baseball and is anywhere near the base and makes the catch, it counts as an out. Aside from the absurdity of it, it’s actually horrible preparation for real life. The world simply doesn’t work that way.

We’ve all seen these feel good games and fairness lessons. No one’s a loser. No one is not good enough. While it does FEEL good to always be a winner, in reality, the real world will find the true winners and losers irregardless of what these young people think is fair. They’re being set up to be miserable. To feel jaded. And, because they feel so priviledged, they resent the world and most the people in it!

What affluent parents tend to do is to see the child they wish they had — not the child they have. Parents have this notion that their child is supposed to be a certain way, because performance is so highly valued in affluent communities. Parental love has become contingent on performance, which is very damaging.

I just had parents who came into my office with their crying daughter and said, “We just wasted $160,000.” Why did they think that? Because they sent their kid to a private school and she wants to go to the University of Colorado instead of, say, Georgetown.

Kids aren’t having the experiences that are mandatory for healthy child development — and that’s a period of time to be left alone, to figure out who you are, to experiment with different things, to fail, and to develop a repertoire of responses to challenge. They have no interior life. It’s all about performance — and performance is not real learning.

Wow. That’s sad. Any parent who bases their love for their child upon performance is losing out on so much. That isn’t the point to being a parent- a Mom or a Dad. Its a fact of life: We need to fail in order to learn. We must make mistakes in order to develop. We have to be embarassed and ashamed and humbled once in awhile. It keeps us human.

I do think there is a cultural shift. We have smaller families, we have more time to obsess about perfecting each child. Many parents can’t stand to see their children unhappy or angry or disappointed, which is part of life, part of growing up.

Our generation of parents is not happy themselves. A lot of women feel that their best emotional bet is their children. The divorce rate is high, friendships are hard to come by, communities are competitive.

Yes, this is true. I see it all the time. Mom’s who work don’t think they have time for family and friends; they chose to divorce rather than work things out if at all possible…I know first hand this isn’t always possible. But even a single Mom can manage her time so her kids come first. Everyone needs to remember- there is no such thing as a perfect child. It pulls on our hearts to see our kids upset and unhappy- but– we need to allow them to be this way at times so they learn to cope with these feelings. Later in their lives, the lessons learned will come in handy.

Say the kid comes home and says he has a math test. The involved parent says, “We want you to do well on that test, so you need to study between 7 and 8 after dinner for an hour.”

The over-involved mother, of which I’m one, might say the same thing plus, “Before you go to sleep, I’d like to go over those math problems with you.”

The intrusive parent does all that and then finds a mistake and says, “I knew it. You can never be left alone. You were going to go into the test unprepared just the way you always do and you’re going to fail and then you’re going to be flipping burgers for the rest of your life.” They get into the child’s psychological space, they make judgments about the value of that child. And that’s a very dangerous place for a parent to be.

I must admit that I was the parent in the first scene here…but I would add, that if they really got stuck on something to see me. They rarely did need me. And I think it worked well for my kids- who are all college attending young ladies. I would never DREAM of making those statements to any child- nevermind my own- described in the last scene. I cannot imagine anyone doing that.
The rest of this article offers simple advice for parents. I will add that it really is OK to allow your kids to fail once in awhile. It’s ok for them to get hurt slightly. It’s good for them to get stuck on a math problem that forces them to figure things out over and over…it’s also ok for kids to have hurt feelings now and again. Let kids be kids. Left alone, they thrive and grow and mature and become healthy happy adults. With our interventions though, we can ruin this.