BWAHAHAH….

Normally, a non-injury rear-end collision wouldn’t warrant a news story. But in an ironic twist, this crash involved a van full of illegal immigrants which slammed into an SUV owned by the Department of Homeland Security.

OUCH.

Oh and BTW,

From Iowahawk… seriously… put the coffee down before you click on that link!

(Disclaimer : Duncan and ARS will not be held liable for any liquid damage to keyboards, monitors, or burned genitalia.)

BWAHAHAH!! Go. Have. A. Look.

From an email:

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1967 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get int o a fistfight after school.
1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1967 - Jeffrey is sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding b ecause Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1967 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma an yway b ut ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1967 - Ants die.
2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him. 1967 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

Did you know votes have a color?

The White vote: Candidates of white color get white votes.

The Black Vote: Candidates of any color who claim to be BLACK can get the coveted Black vote.

The Blue Vote: Liberal. Democrat.

The Red Vote: Republican. Conservative.

The Pink Vote: Feminist voting for feminists.

The Purple Vote: How gay.

The Green Vote: Is Global Warming and environmental concerns your concern? Vote green.

There is a vote with multi colors too:
The Red/Green Vote: For illegal immigrants Hispanics from Mexico who demand their rights and show it by hoisting their own flag up over the American flag…

So there I am reading my gmail, and there is an advertisement above (ya know, the one that reflects whatever your email subjects might be and catch your eye to purchase something they’ve paid Google to help them peddle) for a book that “George Bush doesn’t want you children to read!” I am thinking, man, this must be some sort of pornography, or some other evil literature. And it is, sorta…

Why Mommy is a Democrat and Why Daddy is a Democrat bring to life the core values of the Democratic party in ways that young children will easily understand and thoroughly enjoy. Using plain and non-judgmental language, along with warm and whimsical illustrations, these colorful 28-page paperbacks depict the Democratic principles of fairness, tolerance, peace, equality, and concern for the well-being of others. The books can also serve as kid-friendly introductions to important social and political issues. They’re a great way for parents to gently communicate their commitment to Democratic principles while helping children
begin to make sense of the complex world around them.

Seriously? Socialist propaganda drivel dressed up as a children’s book?? I love this line :

Democratic principles of fairness, tolerance, peace, equality, and concern for the well-being of others.

Because, ya know, conservatives and Republicans (not always synonymous, unfortunately! {Read MCCAIN}) aren’t concerned with those issues. Oh no. We are racist warmongerers who only care about the almighty dollar, clubbing baby seals and polluting whatever natural habitat exists in the world. What bullcrap… but here are some examples of the pages:
Read the rest of this entry »

Heinous. So heinous. Pure evil and as such I have it below the fold. And I have a feeling that it is very effective also.

Read the rest of this entry »

Female monkeys may shout during sex to help their male partners climax, research now reveals.

Without these yells, male Barbary macaques (Macaca sylvanus) almost never ejaculated, scientists found.

Female monkeys often utter loud, distinctive calls before, during or after sex. Their exact function, if any, has remained heavily debated.

WTF? Are you serious? I can tell you exactly why and there is pretty much not any debate, atleast as far as humans are concerned!!

The researchers found that females yelled during 86 percent of all sexual encounters. When females shouted, males ejaculated 59 percent of the time.

However, when females did not holler, males ejaculated less than 2 percent of the time.

To see if yelling resulted from how vigorous the sex was, the scientists counted the number of pelvic thrusts males gave and timed when they happened.

They found when shouting occurred, thrusting increased. In other words, hollering led to more vigorous sex.

Yes. I have conducted this experiment many times my self, and I reached the same conclusions… repeatedly. What an unbelievable waste of taxpayer $$$$…..

On a slow news day, CNS News is carrying word that Malaysia’s national auto maker, Proton, is considering an Iranian proposal to build a car designed for Muslims, complete with a compass to indicate the direction of Mecca for prayers and a compartment to house the Koran and prayer scarves. This car, the article notes, would be intended for export.

With all the entrepreneureal enterprising spirit evident in America, it would seem clear to me that if we put our minds to it, we could come up here with some “modest” marketing improvements and enhancements that would increase functionality and boost sales.

So have at it, folks.

[Update 11-12-2007 4:41 pm]

To clarify the thrust of my post here, what I find perverse is that someone would explicitly market a car, which is after all merely a mode of transport, exclusively for practitioners of one particular religion. Can you imagine marketing a horse or a bicycle like that? Hindu ox, anyone?

I would have the same reaction if someone were to propose an Orthodox Jewish car that automatically shut down for the Sabbath, or a Christian car that automatically prevented backseat consummations unless the couple were heterosexual and legally wed to each other.

The point is that there is a disturbing trend in today’s world towards pomposity and segmentation, and the best tool to meet this threat is humor and satire, to prick the bubble and let the air out.

Stupid quizzes. But this isn’t too far off.

You Are a Roller Coaster

You live for excitement, adventure, and the most intense of thrills. Nothing is better than feeling you’re truly alive, and you’re willing to take risks to feel this way. In relationships, people often feel a bit nervous about what they’re getting into… But generally, everyone enjoys the wild ride you take them on. Unless they stay with you too long - then they’re apt to feel a bit nauseous! Your life has more low points and high points than most people’s lives. But that’s okay - you love them. You figure that a smooth ride is boring! Besides, you know that super high highs only come from knowing super low lows. You cherish every emotion you feel and feel it fully. Why deny what life is truly about? At your best, you are loving life and sharing your wild times with everyone you know. You are able to open your friends up to a whole new world of experiences. At your worst, you feel extremely disoriented and even a bit dizzy. There’s only so much intensity a human (even you!) can take.

What Carnival Ride Are You?

BWAHAHAH!!

Dennis the Menace Said:

PHILADELPHIA — Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich questioned President Bush’s mental health in light of comments he made about a nuclear Iran precipitating World War III.

“I seriously believe we have to start asking questions about his mental health,” Kucinich, an Ohio congressman, said in an interview with The Philadelphia Inquirer’s editorial board on Tuesday. “There’s something wrong. He does not seem to understand his words have real impact.”

Dennis the Menace also:

““…saw a gigantic triangular craft, silent, and observing him. It hovered for about ten minutes or so, and sped away with a speed he couldn’t comprehend. He felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind.”

Now who is perhaps having mental health issues here? Hmm….

There’s an old saying up my way, about Vermonters. It goes something like this:

Nah…here in NH some of us call Vermonters, Wanks.

I went to Vermont yesterday to gather photogenic evidence of how global warming is changing autumn over there. What I found will shock people.

Read the rest of this entry »

This is all Michael’s fault.

He admits it too!

BWAHHH

He DID it. He’s responsible- he was trying to prevent my daughters from buying tickets. Heh. Too late. They got them anyway.

Red Sox Nation meets the Rockies. Heh.

The Sox won their 12th American League pennant by beating the Cleveland Indians by the deceptive score of 11-2, before a crowd of 37,165 at Fenway Park, the first congregation since 1986 with the chance to celebrate a championship at home. The Sox, who broke open last night’s game with eight runs in their last two at-bats, come back to Fenway Park to open the 103d World Series Wednesday night against the Colorado Rockies, the National League champions who have won 10 straight and 21 of 22.

I missed most the game last night- I was working. My daughters were at Fenway though. And they will be going to all the World Series games (thanks to their Dad). This coming Thursday they are traveling out to Denver and will be staying with their cousin, who is displaced member of the Red Sox Nation. After the Sox beat the Rockies, maybe they’ll meet up with Michael to make him eat crow ball park hawt dogs?? LOL!!

World Series overview
Wednesday, Oct. 24 (8 p.m.)
Game 1 at Boston

Thursday, Oct. 25 (8 p.m.)
Game 2 at Boston

Saturday, Oct. 27 (8 p.m.)
Game 3 at Colorado

Sunday, Oct. 28 (8 p.m.)
Game 4 at Colorado

Monday, Oct. 29
Game 5* at Colorado

Wednesday, Oct. 31
Game 6* at Boston

Thursday, Nov. 1
Game 7* at Boston

(* - if necessary)

May the best team win. That’ll be the SOX thank you very much!

Oh no.
Global warming has hit New England.

Hard.

Across the state line that is. Over in Vermont, some are saying that autumn colors are not as vibrant this year, and it’s due to…GLOBAL WARMING.

EAST MONTPELIER, Vt. - Every fall, Marilyn Krom tries to make a trip to Vermont to see the state’s famously beautiful foliage.

This year, the 62-year-old registered nurse noticed something different about the autumn colors.

“They’re duller, not as sparkly, if you know what I mean,” said Krom, of Eastford, Conn., during a visit to Bragg Farm sugarhouse.

Read the rest of this entry »

I was surprised to read this.

NEW YORK — Democrat Hillary Rodham Clinton may be No. 1 in the presidential polls, but Bill Clinton is falling off the best-seller lists.

Sales for the former president’s “Giving,” a handbook for civic activism published by Alfred A. Knopf with an announced first printing of 750,000, have dropped far since its release in early September, when Clinton made numerous media appearances, including interviews with Oprah Winfrey and Larry King.

Wow. I am a book worm- I read dozens every month. I admit that I purchased this book and, I thought it was actually very good. I highly recommend it.

According to Nielsen BookScan, which tracks about 70 percent of industry sales, “Giving” sold nearly 50,000 copies its first week, but hasn’t approached that since. For the week ending Oct. 7, only 9,600 copies sold.

Clinton’s previous book was the million-selling memoir “My Life.”

Even in Washington, D.C., sales are down. A leading independent store, Politics & Prose, ordered 96 copies of “Giving,” but so far has sold just 50.

I wonder if the lack of sales has to do with the subject matter? Giving, after all, isn’t something all people do. Considering this book was penned by one of our most popular Presidents, Bill Clinton, one would think it would be a best seller. Maybe the subject really turns off some people- liberals for example. The government can force itself upon citizens via welfare programs and entitlements for the poor and middle class…we shouldn’t have to GIVE more of ourselves. Why give when we can take, right?

Meaty’s Last and Only Chance for “Companionship”

… and down the slippery slope we slide:

Humans could marry robots within the century. And consummate those vows.

“My forecast is that around 2050, the state of Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize marriages with robots,” artificial intelligence researcher David Levy at the University of Maastricht in the Netherlands told LiveScience.

Levy recently completed his Ph.D. work on the subject of human-robot relationships, covering many of the privileges and practices that generally come with marriage as well as outside of it.

At first, sex with robots might be considered geeky, “but once you have a story like ‘I had sex with a robot, and it was great!’ appear someplace like Cosmo magazine, I’d expect many people to jump on the bandwagon,” Levy said.

GO MASSACHUSETTS! Opening the door to moral relativistism and marriage, now anybody can marry anything, and how dare you judge.. you bigot…

Hey, I prefer the real deal myself, and bumping uglies with a robot just won’t cut it. Plus, if it is a robot, you don’t get rid of the standard maintenance required of any type of companion,wife, girlfriend, life partner, whatever. You know, instead of getting a human woman some wine, you have to change the oil in your robot hump-buddy. Money will be spent on fixing parts that.. um… “wear out”… and I can’t think that it would not be cheap..

Ofcourse, then again, you can upgrade the robot to a new model without the old model getting jealous. You don’t have to worry about that “time of month” excuse, or even head aches. If she gets too chatty.. just hit the mute button… or just flip the off switch if the robot starts nagging about coming in too late after a night out with the boys…

The main benefit of human-robot marriage could be to make people who otherwise could not get married happier, “people who find it hard to form relationships, because they are extremely shy, or have psychological problems, or are just plain ugly or have unpleasant personalities,” Levy said. “Of course, such people who completely give up the idea of forming relationships with other people are going to be few and far between, but they will be out there.”

So Meaty.. don’t give up brotha.. there is some hope in the future for ya…

Dumb quizzes.