Here uncensored (and unauthorized) are the collected replies of the management here at ARS:
Duncan
He heard me loading my M-4 and realized if he didn’t move out of range right away, he’d be my next dinner.
Raven
He was a dickless liberal wimp without any balls who decided to get out of the way because he knew he couldn’t handle an encounter with a real woman. If only he’d joined the Marines, he’d have learned how to be a man rooster instead of a capon. What’s the opposite of **THUD**…?
civil truth
That’s a very deep riddle that has puzzled the great philosophers down through the ages.
In the earliest known historical allusion, it was recorded that Aristotle posed this question to Archimedes at an alpha prayer breakfast. That same afternoon, while taking his daily bath, Archimedes in a flash of insight, leapt from his tub, and rushed through the streets of Syracuse towards Aristotle’s house, brandishing a sword and shouting Μολὼν λαβέ. Fortunately for the latter, the local gendarmerie arrived first and promptly hauled Archimedes off to a padded cell (after relieving him of possession of his weapon). After calming down a bit, Archimedes turned his attention to pondering how he could manage to displace the prison walls from his path (which later gave rise to his famous boast that he would move the earth if someone could provide him with a place to stand).
The great Roman philosopher Seneca, in response to the badgerings of his students, posted this famous quatrain as a response:
Obile heres ago,
Fortibus est in aro.
Nobile deis dux,
Summa causen, summa trux.
After these verses were brought to the attention of the Emperor Nero, Seneca received his just reward: an imperial sentence of death by poison.
Centuries later, when Voltaire was asked this question, he immediately leapt to his feet and shouted: Vivre libre ou mourir!, which historians have later memorialized as the opening salvo of the French Revolution.
Scholars have since spilled much ink (including at least eleven books and six Ph.D. theses) attempting to decipher the origins of this astounding declaration. However, recent unpublished memoires of Voltaire found at a yard sale in Yardley, Pennsylvania in 2005 have revealed a more pedestrian explanation: Voltaire, as he confessed later to his landlord, simply had misheard the question and thought that his wife was demanding that he put out the garbage across the street. Indeed, he was quite miffed that this phrase of his should have sparked the overthrow of the hated French monarchy, whereas his learned treatises had evoked scarcely a ripple on the lake of history.
* * * * * * * * * *
With all due to respect to the great masters who have gone before me, I would humbly reply:
Because he knew where his next meal was coming from.
I am reminded of the scene from the second Austin Powers were, ironicly enough, Tim Robbins plays the president, and Robbins has just got the ultimatum from Dr. Evil. Dr. Evil has his base on the moon and is threatening to blow up Washington D.C. unless he gets 1 Trillion dollars!
The President: C’mon, let me nuke that bastard.
Commander Gilmour: Are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?
The President: Would you miss it?
[looks around the table]
The President: Would you miss it?
Well, after reading these two news stories ’bout the People’s Democratic Republic of California … Continued… »
No more do-overs for terrorist memorializing architects
Defenders of the crescent design keep accusing Tom Burnett Sr. of trying to get an improper “do over” after failing back in 2005 to sway the design-competition jury. But who is really seeking the do-over? The American people rose up in protest in 2005 when they saw that the Memorial Project wanted to plant a bare naked Islamic crescent and star flag on the flight 93 crash site:
According the Energy Information Administration as of January 2007 there was more than 1.3 trillion barrels of proved crude oil on earth. Even if this were all the oil on the planet there would be no immediate danger of shortages, because at the current rate of consumption – roughly 85 million barrels a day – this supply would last for more than 40 years.
But the 1.3 trillion in these so-called proved reserves refers only to a tiny fraction of earth’s oil, designating only that portion which can be extracted under current ‘economic and operating conditions.’ As it happens, this figure grows with each decade and usually dramatically so.
So is this why we’re seeing the price of gas go up, Up, and UP??
Pineda is the director of LUMA, Latinos United in Massachusetts, an Everett-based nonprofit. She said that immigrants who do not understand local trash rules or have limited English skills will go to a city hall to find out why they received a trash ticket, and find there is no literature or employee who can speak their language to explain it.
No lit? MAKE THEM LEARN TO SPEAK AND READ ENGLISH you fucking morOns.
Hispanics are the nation’s largest minority group, consisting of 47 million people or 15 percent of the American population. The electoral clout of Hispanics is diminished by the fact that 44 percent are not citizens and are ineligible to vote. Also, Hispanics are not universally opposed to securing the border. Yet an overwhelming majority strongly disapprove of immigration enforcement procedures such as workplace raids, police who actively identify illegal immigrants and verification of immigration status prior to providing a driver’s license.
Ship ‘em all home. They need to do it the right way; the legal way.
May 7, 2008: The U.S. Marine Corps has had more success than expected in attracting recruits, and has moved up the date for completing their current expansion. Last year, Congress ordered the marines to expand their strength from the current 181,000 to 202,000. At first, the marines thought it would take them four years to do it. But between the large number of recruits, and the many current marines who are staying in, the expansion will be accomplished by next year.
And this (catching up with the USMC Google Email Alerts, LOL):
It starts on the yellow footprints at the Marine Corps Recruit Depot San Diego.
That’s where all new recruits learn the basic stance of attention.
Before moving into the contraband room, where a recruit’s personal belongings are taken.
And on to the barbers seat, they come in as individuals come out looking the same.
“They’re pretty much all carrying the same stuff, they all kind of look the same, they’ve all got the same haircut and we just try to take away that individualism,” Sgt. Murch.
“The basic human instinct is me, me first, that doesn’t work in a military environment and especially the Marine Corps, it just doesn’t work. We have a place to put the manners and respect, self discipline, the honor, and the pride and all those things they came to us to get,” said Drill Instructor Johnson.
Modern day folks answer that age old question: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE! And HOPE! It looked HOPEFUL!
JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure — right from Day One! — that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me, although I clearly remember having to dodge enemy fire as Chelsea and I tried to cross the road.
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it goes after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his ‘CURRENT’ problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road… .
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
RUSH LIMBAUGH:
Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth?’ That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn’t that intewesting? In a few moments, we will be wistening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a sewious case of molting, and went on to accompwish its wife wong dweam of cwossing the woad.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C% reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where’s my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
REVEREND JEREMIAH WRIGHT:
Damn that chicken. Does that make me unpatriotic?
Don't Mess With Me.
